TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully from place. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, confident, let's have another spot wherever American Gentlemen can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Everybody a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred Trump Tower Damascus to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from space, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting interest from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may also involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD can have transform-down service."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page